“It’s About a Relationship”

“It’s not about religion, it’s about a relationship with God.”

This phrase is said by evangelicals so regularly that it’s become almost an annoying platitude. It’s not that it is untrue; it is just that it is commonly offered as a self-explanatory statement without context. We need to understand that non-Christians and even new Christians can be mystified by such Christianese language.

So what, exactly, is meant by “religion” and just what does this “relationship” with God entail?

The idea of “religion” in general is a complicated thing to define, but for the sake of those who say this phrase they not only mean things like Islam, Mormonism, or Eastern mysticism, but are often referring to Christianity itself in a stereotypical sense as that “religion.” What they tend to mean is that just going to church, attending potlucks, putting money in the plate, participating in the ritual expressions, self-identifying as Christian, and even affirming certain distinctive Christian beliefs are a different thing than having a living, saving faith. The implication is that having a “relationship” with God is authentic Christianity. But what does that entail?

Let’s start by thinking about what it means to have a relationship with a person.

When you are in a relationship, you get to know the person: what they are like, things about their background, what they like and dislike, and their values and goals. You also spend time with them and make them a priority. You are open and even painfully honest with them. You do things together and for each other. You share each other’s joys and burdens. You believe them, trust them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. And especially for relationships with children and spouses, you (ideally) commit to stand by them to the end, even through all the tough times.

The complicating factor is that God is not a person in the physical sense. He is certainly a personal being, like us, but not someone with which you can sit down and have conventional conversations — that is, not unless He chooses to manifest Himself in some way for you. There are certainly cases where this has occurred, but it’s not a predictable and regular thing.

Jesus is the personal manifestation of God, and some few people had the privilege of relating to Him during (and briefly after) His life on earth, and we are told that once again we can be in His presence at the end of this age. This leaves us in a unique and challenging situation, which is due to our existence in a fallen world that is in some way separated from God, and yet not entirely so for those who are the children of the Kingdom of God. However, we are not left empty handed.

What we have now is the image of God impressed upon us, the knowledge that God has provided in His revelations to us, and His own Spirit that He has granted to work within us. These things are deposits on the future promise of a full, “face-to-face” relationship with God that we could only bear in the new creation and in our glorified bodies (lest we die). But how do we build a relationship on these things now?

Let’s look at how the elements of a human relationship can be applied to God.

Knowing God

The most important thing in the relationship is to understand God. He is not an entirely unknowable mystery, and He has purposefully provided ways for us to learn about Him. Our ideas and beliefs about God are our “theology,” and whether or not we realize it we all have theological views. The only question is whether they are detailed and true beliefs. Given that our knowledge of God informs every other aspect of our relationship with Him, this means that theology is not just an academic exercise, it’s for everyone who wants a robust relationship.

Short of a divine visitation from Jesus or an angel, there are two ways to learn about God. These have been termed “general revelation” and “special revelation.”

“General revelation” pertains to what God has created: the universe and everything in it. Even though we live in a fallen world, with all the mysterious consequences that entails, there is much we can learn about God from what He chose to create. Every thing, every science, and every idea can teach us something about God’s nature and power. Even seemingly bad things can teach us lessons about creatures in rebellion against their creator. For this reason there is value in not only enjoying God’s world but exploring and studying it deeply. Part of a relationship with God is cherishing His handiwork, just as you would do with a human artist.

It should be noted that part of the creation is humanity. Given that we are made in the image of God, we have things to learn even from ourselves (and others). In this sense the idea that the “truth is within” is actually true to an extent. Our consciousness, reason, will, emotions, nurturing, creativity, and many other good things, are all aspects of God, but we should balance our conclusions with the knowledge that we are also fallen, self-centered creatures who try to bend our theology to our own desires.

“Special revelation” pertains to the direct knowledge that God has chosen to share with us. Over time God has revealed Himself to humanity and played out a story for us on the canvas of history. The most important elements of this, for us, have been recorded and preserved in those individual writings that make up the Bible. As direct revelation from God, this is the most explicit and informative thing we are privileged to have access to. Those in relationship with God should see these as precious writings, like letters from a distant loved one.

Beyond scripture are the insights we can gain from others, both historically and at present, who have learned more, experienced more, and spiritually matured more than we have. While this counsel (either in person or books) can be valuable, it should not be viewed with the same authority as special revelation.

Spending time with God

Given that God is not physical, and at least in these bodies we have no eyes for spiritual things, we cannot be with Him in the conventional sense. And yet, He is everywhere present and omniscient, so He can be with us always. This means that our interaction with God is, for the most part, in the internal realm—the heart, mind, and soul. Paul talks about fixing our “eyes” upon the things unseen, which are eternal, and Jesus says we should worship in spirit and truth. So, how does this cash out?

The first thing is to live according to the “truth” that God is indeed always present with and for us, not just at church or when we invite him to prayer. He sees everything and knows us intimately. Being in relation with Him means recognizing and welcoming that presence rather than rationing our worldly vs spiritual attentions. Some have the habit of talking to themselves during the day. We can likewise talk (or think) to God. Paul affirms this idea by telling us to “pray without ceasing.”

The most obvious way that we spend focused time with God is in prayer. I tend to think prayer is more for our benefit than God’s, because He knows our thoughts better than we do, and even our “groanings too deep for words.” Even if our prayers were only a one-sided thing, they have practical value. Our prayers exercise our commitment to God and the things we pray about. They help us to unburden ourselves. They help us to sympathize with those we pray over, which is especially significant for the “enemies” we are told to pray for. They also discipline our minds, helping us to focus and refine our thoughts; for when else do we ever allocate time to just sit and think? However, the difference in prayer is that we know we are heard by someone who cares and can take action on our behalf.

Similarly, there is the idea of “meditation.” However, the Judeo-Christian view of this is not simply relaxing and clearing one’s mind as the eastern mystics, but rather an intentional act of thought and contemplation. Scripture talks about meditating “on” things or the meditation “of” things—that is, thinking about things and the thoughts that come from us.

We can certainly “meditate” on any subject, but the point here (and as commonly used in scripture) is to mediate on God, His moral will, and the things He has done. In order to do so, we need some food for thought, and for this reason meditation is generally accompanied by the reading of scripture, or at least the recollection of it.

Listening to God

Part of any good relationship involves communication. For our part, prayer is the formal means of speaking to God, but how does God “talk” to us? Now, I must take care here because there is both divine mystery and also a lot of imprecise language that is often used in this area. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard preachers and church members say things like this without ever giving details on what they mean by it: “God told me,” “God laid it on my heart,” and “I felt led to…” Let me try to unpack this.

In the Bible you see stories of God audibly talking to people, or angelic messengers, or visions, or even divine visitations. These things are unmistakable communications initiated by God, and not vague responses to attempts at hearing His voice. Few who speak of what God “told them” actually mean it in this explicit sense, though there are indeed exceptions. Both because of the less tangible nature of these (supposed) communications and because of the poverty of examples of such equivocal things in scripture we need to be cautious in the claims we make about what God is “saying.”

Let’s start with the sure and ready way that God “speaks” to us all.

In a sense, God has already said all that is necessary for faith and practice in this present age. We have His entire salvation narrative captured in scripture, and we but wait and grow the church until the prophesied return of the Christ. For this reason, there is no place for the kind of biblical revelation that would add content to scripture. Indeed, the book of Revelation ends with a warning against any who would try. Any communication from God now would seem to be only for building, growing, and preserving the community of believers. Consequently, the biggest part of “hearing God” is reading the Bible.

We know that Jesus promised us the Holy Spirit, and in some mystical way we are in-dwelt by Him in such a way that we may be influenced in heart and mind, yet not as though “possessed” and lacking in will. There is no limit, nor full understanding, to the benefits we have in this, but we do know some of the ways the Holy Spirit “speaks” to all who are adopted children of God. Romans 8:9

Perhaps the first thing the Holy Spirit does in us is to convict us of sin. This is a prerequisite to the reception of the Gospel as “good news.” Being made in the image of God, we have natural moral intuitions, but these may be suppressed and twisted by us. The Holy Spirit in some way sensitizes us or offers us new insights into the burdens of guilt that we bear. John 16:7-11

The Holy Spirit also leads us to Christ. He participates not only in our seeing the need for Jesus, but in embracing the truth of the Gospel. Jesus claimed that His sheep hear His voice, follow Him, and are given eternal life. The Holy Spirit participates in our recognition of Jesus as having the Master’s voice. John 15:26; 1 Corinthians 12:3; John 16:14

The Holy Spirit also works to make us holy. He not only convicts us of sin on the way to the cross, but heighten our consciences as believers. With it He grants us a desire to be holy and empowers us to that end so that we may bear the fruit of the Spirit. While we are still at war within ourselves against our fallen nature, we at least have a strong ally in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23

In all these ways, “listening” to God means listening to and acting upon what we know deep down to be true and good. More mysteriously, the Holy Spirit has been called our “Paraclete,” which has been translated as “helper,” “comforter,” or “counselor.” John 14:16 In this role, He certainly offers us wisdom, understanding, guidance, and emotional support, but precisely how that is done is difficult to characterize, or at least not experienced uniformly for all persons, or even in the same way for individuals over the course of their lives.

There are certainly times when the Holy Spirit can miraculously reveal things to us. There is no question when this happens to us, and it can be confirmed in others usually because of the “divine appointments” that result (e.g., Ananias being told that Saul had converted and was coming to see him, and he did). However, the majority of the time the Holy Spirit works in such close cooperation with our own minds that it can be hard to distinguish our own speculations, creative output, and flashes of insight from that imparted to us by God. In fact, it can be dangerous and presumptive for us to casually attribute things to God.

Given that we are image bearers of God, also having mind, will, and creativity, we certainly have our own thoughts, just as do unbelievers not indwelt by the Holy Spirit. And given that we, too, suffer from the same imperfections and temptations to sin, our thoughts do not always go well. Even when our intentions are pure and our ideas seemingly good, it does not mean that these are “from God” or even according to His plan. For this reason, we should take care to whom we credit our thoughts. In fact, it may even be best not to try to ascribe credit to thoughts that we should always be willing to test, for who can gainsay us if we claim that “God told us” something.

Since the Holy Spirit works in such collaboration with our own minds, our normal, daily relationship with God involves our minds in action, and yet open to the insights God has for us in those areas of our attention. This questions the relevance of mindless meditation in an attempt to put aside our inner voice to “hear God’s voice.” God needs no help being heard when He intends to be, and He seems to prefer to work in collaboration with us. Additionally, such insights are more likely to be invoked when our thoughts are aligned with God’s. We are told to focus on the good, the true, and the beautiful—the chief of which is scripture itself. Such things give God substance to work with, which the Holy Spirit may underscore and elaborate upon.

So, listening to God involves engaging our thoughts mindful of His presence. We should be humble about our own fallibility, but pursue and test those insights that do come to us. Whether they be from us or from God is often confirmed in the fruit they bear in our lives and in our further growth. We should give God glory for such things that do yield fruit, see those patterns, and “listen” for them in the future.

Being honest with God

Friends are honest and open with each other. Sometimes even brutal honesty is called for out of a desire for the good of our friends, and a good relationship can survive it. Since God is holy and without flaw, our honesty is for the sake of our own flaws rather than His. And since God knows us better than we know ourselves, our honesty is more a matter of self-revelation and confession. It is like finding and removing toxins, with God’s participation.

God not only wants to be known, but wants us to know ourselves as well. The problem is that we have a vast capacity for self-deception that stands in the way. Even in the best human relationships we are often private and defensive about our flaws, but with a God who already knows us, and yet loves us anyway, we can feel safe and unguarded. God is our ultimate confidant and therapist. Our relationship with Him is based upon truth and honesty with an expectation of healing and growth. He is the great physician. We should come to Him as David says in Psalm 139:23-24: “search me, know my heart, put me to the test to see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.”

Doing things with God

In a close relationship you often do things with the person. You may share common hobbies, interests, and even work. A relationship with God would likewise have us doing things with Him. It is not accurate to say that God has mere “hobbies” or “interests,” but He is certainly involved in an infinite number of tasks, some of which we may participate in.

God has a variety of ways that He does His work. He doesn’t technically need us for any of it—just as we don’t need a young child’s help in the kitchen—but much of His work is for our sake. For this reason, it makes sense that He should invite our participation. It is a privilege to be part of it and a blessing to see its results. Some examples of that work include serving our peers and family, serving the church, helping those in need outside the church, and sharing the Gospel (either directly or indirectly).

There is nothing more encouraging than to have been at the right place at the right time for the right need in answer to somebody’s prayer. Prayer is intimately involved in the work that God does, on both ends of the equation of supply and demand. Scripture says that the kind of prayer most likely to get results is that prayed according to God’s will. God’s will is often expressed in God’s work, and prayers seeking opportunities to get in on the action can make us co-workers with Him.

Sharing burdens with God

In a good relationship you share both good times and bad. Particularly with those closest, you can share your sorrows, worries, and fears, because even if they can do nothing about it, they at least care for you, empathize with your pain, and offer comfort. Sometimes the worst part of suffering is being alone in it.

God shares our pain as deeply as a parent shares a child’s pain. Parents care about a child’s suffering whether it is the result of their own actions, no fault of their own, and even when it is imposed by the parent in some way for their own good.

One of the most mysterious and remarkable things in scripture is Jesus’ attitude during the death and raising of Lazarus. In response to the mourning of His friends and family, “Jesus wept.” Even though Jesus knew He could and would raise Lazarus, He did not rebuke the tears of others, He shared in them.

Jesus cares about our hardship and suffering, and grieves over the fatal consequences of the Fall. He not only cares, but participated in our grief. Our God is certainly holy and other, and yet He is not aloof. He knows our suffering not only through His omniscience of all things, but by coming down and subjectively experiencing it in Christ.

One of the differences with God is that He can not only offer comfort, but do something about or with our suffering. Whether it be miraculous relief, using it for the rebuke of bad ideas and behavior, teaching maturity and patience, equipping us for some future purpose, or bringing people to faith, God is not helpless or without use for our burdens. But if we want God to redeem and give meaning to our burdens, then we must first lay them at His feet.

Trusting God

In close relationships, we trust those persons above all others and we give them the benefit of the doubt. However, people will sometimes let us down. A relationship with God involves our trust in Him. In fact, it begins with trust. Another word for “trust” is “faith.” With God, we don’t just have faith that He exists, but faith in the redemption He provided in Christ and that He will keep His promises to us.

Besides the larger matter of our saving faith, a relationship with God involves a daily exercise of trust. This includes trusting that God will:

• meet our needs, even if not all our wants
• handle the worries we give to Him and work all things for our ultimate good
• hear our prayers and answer them in the best way and timing
• lead us into deeper understandings of things if we pursue knowledge and wisdom
• bring fruit to our good work and/or reward it in heaven
• bless our lives when lived according to His moral principles
• bring justice in this world and/or the world to come for any evil and persecution we experience

In a fallen world separated from an unseen God, it can be hard to have faith in God’s promises. This is probably why the Bible spends so much time delineating God’s character and trustworthiness. Every promise He made was kept, but sometimes it took decades or centuries to come to fruition.

We may know in our minds that God is trustworthy, but it can be hard because God hasn’t revealed everything to us and doesn’t intended to this side of death. But trust is only required when you don’t know all the details. Our trust requires us to understand that God is working out a good plan, does things for a reason, and allows things for a purpose. Great suffering does not imply an impotent and uncaring God, it only emphasizes the magnitude of His eternal purposes.

The difficult thing is that God’s reasons are not always obvious to us, particularly in the moment. This is because God’s purposes are not just for us immediately and individually, but for our long-term good, for those around us, for the generations after us, and even for cosmic purposes that we cannot yet fathom. We must trust that we are but part of a grand tapestry that we will one day see at the proper scale.

Committing to God

The most intimate relationship of all is marriage. It is no arbitrary thing that God uses the symbolism of marriage to depict His relationship to those that are His own. The old covenant with Israel was as a marriage contract, their violation of it was characterized as adultery, and the new covenant calls the church the “bride of Christ.” In fact, it can easily be argued that marriage itself was made to be a model of our relationship with Christ (and not dissimilarly, the parent-child relationship), for both symbolic and experiential purposes.

Marriage is a relationship we enter into where we surrender our independence and freedom, and yet we enter into it freely. Our commitment to Christ, as Christians, is an intentional act of union that likewise binds us in life, interest, value, and purpose. In marriage we make a covenant “from this day forward” to intimately join ourselves to another. We promise to stand by them and persevere through “better or worse, richer or poorer, and sickness or health.”

Different theological traditions debate over whether a genuine believer can lose their salvation, but one thing that is clear is that he who remains faithful till the end will be saved (Matthew 24:13, Hebrews 3:14). Marriage was also meant to be till the end, but unlike earthly marriage, which expires at death, it is eternal and only, in a sense, consummated at Christ’s return.

One last thing

There are aspects to our relationship with God that have no direct or realistic parallel to our relationships with other persons.

We are of God and made for God. With the fall came a spiritual vacuum, which we are inclined to fill with human relationships. Consequently, our spiritual need and instincts can lead us to adore, idolize, and even “worship” appealing human substitutes. This may be a spouse, parent, sibling, royalty, performing artist, war hero, spiritual leader, politician, or thought leader. But, as humans, these will inevitably disappoint us, and if they don’t it’s because we just don’t intimately know them.

Part of our relationship with God is understanding our relationship to God. He is the only one worthy to be worshipped and adored, by virtue of His perfect character, by who He is, and by what He has done in Christ and creation. Jesus is our husband-redeemer, our firstborn brother, the commander of the armies of God, our high priest, the King of kings, the creator of all things beautiful and good, and the personification of reason and knowledge (the logos).

The Triune God is the embodiment of every type of person, role, or characteristic that we idolize when found in the best of humanity. He is the only legitimate object of our instinct to worship something. It is not that God craves or egotistically demands our worship, but that a right understanding of who He is and what we are as adopted children naturally leads to it. And if God is not worthy of worship, then certainly nothing in all creation is entitled to it and it’s a meaningless sentiment.

Additionally, as Christians, we are not alone. Unlike in some relationships (e.g., marriage or best friends), there are numerous others also in relationship with God. The closest earthly equivalent might be fans of a sports team or performing artist. Just as fans enjoy getting together to talk about and watch these people, it is only natural that “fans” of God gather as well. In fact, part of our relationship with God involves our relationship with other people, and other Christians in particular.

Given that all people are made in the image of God, we honor God by valuing and caring for others. It is no surprise, then, that Jesus said what we do for the least of these (persons), we do for Him. And if we cannot care for those we do see, then how can we care for Him whom we do not see. Additionally, caring for others who are likewise sinners is our best shot at understanding and imitating a God who loves us in spite of our own sin.

In addition to our relationships through others who likewise bear God’s image, we relate to God through other believers who are in-dwelt by the Holy Spirit. These are the other parts of the “body,” with Christ as the “head.” A relationship with God involves a relationship not only with the Godhead, but with every part of the body of Christ. We relate to them as brothers and sisters who are redeemed sinners, but we also relate to the God who is at work within them.

Our relationship with God is both personal and corporate. Just as our individual voices together bring harmony and weight to the chorus, so does our joint worship, prayer, and work. The Church is the manifestation of our relationship to God in community, where we best learn about Him, focus on Him, listen to Him through the voice of others, serve Him, share our burdens, exercise our commitment to Him, and participate in the sacraments we have been given to foreshadow our final relationship with God in eternity.